The Break-up

Waiting to hear back has brought out my worst insecurities, taking on the characteristics of a bad break-up. I alternate between extremes of bungee-jumping off anxiety peak highs and delayed reaction lows; everything  e x a g g e r a t e d l y slow.

Much like a break-up, there have been moments of cringe-worthy masochism. I pass the time chipping away at my confidence, obsessing over every flaw, every imperfect detail. At all hours of the day, I find myself wondering if the agent is thinking of me. Hoping they aren’t reading other people’s novels. Hoping they don’t meet someone else they like more. What would I do if they fould someone sleeker, more experienced and polished?

All that’s left are the 3:00am phone calls. I delve into my text with a critical eye, reading through the passages and jumping feet first on anything that comes off as weak. There. See? Who says I’m not capable of killing off my own babies? You said you hated my overwrought prose. My sentimental little moments. My clever little annoying sentences. Gabriel Garcia Marquez, my ass. I’ll show you. I’ll show everyone!

During my moments of sanity, I labour over the structure. I colour code the sections that need work. I stay up until dawn creating computerised index cards to replace the old ones. I spend hours painstakingly editing, cataloguing, raking through scenes and chapters and character inconsistencies. I begin to see the cracks. Where we went wrong. I know what I can do to fix things, make them better for the next time. Is it too late for us? It can’t be. I didn’t come off in the best light. In a moment of vulnerability and haste, I allowed you to see me unshaped, flawed. Vadar removing his mask (horror, horror). Things have been read, I can’t take that back. But one day soon, I’ll be stronger, more consistent. Then, you will love me again.

3 Comments

  1. That’s so funny. And so true. I remember back in the day, checking the phone daily, to see if it was still working and stalking the poor postman. In short, I went a little bit mad.I hope you have some good news soon.

  2. I feel your pain! I’ve sent out two fulls now. The wait for the first was EXCRUCIATING, the second not so much (my hide had been toughened). But at some point I’m going to have to send my rewrite to the first agent (he requested it) and THAT wait is going to kill me because that’s my big hope and if he says no to my rewrite I’m back to relying on my partials….

  3. p.s. Meant to add that since I finished the rewrite a few months ago and printed it out I’ve been too scared to read it in case I think it’s shit and decide to shred it and never sent it to anyone ever again!

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